i'd rather be alone than lonely

I have always been the type of student to go above and beyond, the one who takes the extra class to take advantage of an opportunity, the one who seems to bite off more than she can chew. I’m an overachiever, a “try hard,” some may say, but is that such a bad thing?

I never really understood what was so bad about sitting in the front row of my classes, developing relationships with my teachers and professors and utilizing those connections to help me succeed. What’s so bad about having goals and wanting to put a strong effort into working toward achieving them?

I’m two weeks into the first semester of my senior year at Ball State, taking 15 credit hours (and adding two more to receive academic credit for my internship with St. Louis Magazine). I’m in the honors college and working on completing my honors thesis: a multimedia visual composition of both photos and written work detailing my family history and the first 21 years of my life. But, above all, I am editor-in-chief of The Ball State Daily News, one of the top student newspapers in the entire country, and running a newspaper is practically a full-time job.

While I am overwhelmed and booked solid from 9 a.m. through 11 p.m. every day, changing my schedule and taking something off of my plate is not something I want to do. I know I have what it takes inside of me to do it all, and I know I will only be disappointed in myself if I give something up. I am not a quitter, and I never have been. I am not the type of person to take the easy way out, to lighten the load simply because I want more time to myself.

The time I take for myself is the time I put into my writing, the time I take to learn and grow not only as a student journalist, but a well-rounded creative writer, too. Yes, I do have the option of dropping my creative writing class this semester, but having more time to sleep in the morning sounds much less interesting than learning about magical realism and creating short stories in which fairies are a part of my reality.

A close friend of mine, and someone I look up to every day as one of the greatest mentors I have, has told me more than once that being editor-in-chief is a lonely job, because it’s a job that requires not only most of your time, but making tough decisions that will oftentimes upset those working closely with you. Two weeks in that seat, and I have already experienced what she meant.

My role as editor-in-chief takes up a majority of my time now, but my true friends, the ones who know how important my career is to me, will stick around and understand when I can’t respond to their text message until the next day or have to cancel plans last minute to take care of the paper I signed up to care for, and I am grateful for the handful of friends who know I am doing my best. I am grateful for those who continue to support me when I may not be able to be the best friend to them at the moment because of my responsibilities, and I appreciate their patience with me, always.

In one of my first classes this semester, my professor started the day with a writing prompt: “I’d rather be ___ than ___.” I found it shocking how quickly my brain naturally filled in the blanks with, “I’d rather be alone than lonely,” and, while I knew it would be something difficult for me to share and reflect on, I knew, because of how quickly it came to me, it was something I had to process and get off of my chest. Here is what came of that:

“I’d rather be alone than lonely, and lately, I’ve been both. I think there are people who, when you are with them, make you feel more lonely than when you are by yourself. Maybe it’s because they suck every last bit of positive energy from your body, or maybe it’s because they are simply so toxic for you to be around that your heart aches with a loneliness unlike any other you’ve experienced before — not because you are physically alone, but because being around them makes you feel as though you truly have no one, not even yourself, because they strip who you are right out of you and turn you into their own puppet. These people are narcissists, and the warning signs and red flags are always prominent at the beginning, but you give them a chance anyways, because you are kind, and because you formerly had a crippling fear of actually being physically alone. But, after months of not being able to get away, endless amounts of being pushed aside and ignored until your friendship becomes convenient for them once again, you’ve realized that being alone isn’t such a bad thing when it means you can be yourself again.

I’d rather be alone than lonely.”

I raised my hand to read it aloud in class, and my professor had me read it again, asked me to share it with her and posted it to her own Facebook page for her friends to see. She then read it aloud to other classes of hers and reached out to me to say it brought a handful of students to tears — and that’s why I do what I do.

My words are my superpower, not only because they allow me to process my feelings, but because they allow others to feel heard and understood, too.

This semester, I am going to spend most of my time alone, and I’m okay with that, because I know I am working on me, and that’s something I don’t let myself do too often. So, if you are here, if you are reading this, thank you for supporting me on my journey of becoming a better version of myself. I appreciate you, and I promise to make you proud.

Until next time,

Tay